You've said I ain't an afterthought
But your contradicting actions
Don't add up to what I want
When you just won't show affection

All the things that you won't say
'cause they always make you squirm
Make room for patronizing ways
that I don't think I deserve

But with every confrontation
you don't seem to understand
That it's half a year later
and you still won't hold my hand

So you always leave me waiting here
while I would hope for more
But I'm feeling stranded one foot out the door

MOTIVATION

After I'd officially asked her to be my girlfriend, I kind of expected things to progress a bit more. I mean, we were officially a couple now, right? But...no. Not much changed really. She never had time to see me, and I got frustrated over this as well. I can understand you being busy with work, but once you're in a relationship, surely you try to be with that person more often than just 3 hours a week?

Her life was full of anything but me. A friend of hers once said "She doesn't have a relationship because she's always busy, and she's always busy because she doesn't have a relationship." I very much knew this was true, but felt she could make her life a bit less busy. She didn't though, but then again, she was very unorganized. Had no idea what she was doing next week, but by the time it was next week, other plans had been made. In the meantime, she started shutting herself down when I felt I got closer to her, and by the time it was Christmas and the first time I'd spend time with her for more than just 1 day, she pretty much ignored me, while not realizing this.

I felt treated horribly. I'd come with her to meet her parents in her country, and hoped it'd be a great time. Her parents and siblings were very, very nice to me, and seemed to be more willing to talk to me or actually get to know me than she did. She sat there catching up with everyone else, and once again I felt left out. Her Christmas gift was nice though. She gave me a ukelele, and I sat there not knowing how to play it as it's tuned slightly different than a guitar. That Christmas, my present was a trip to Budapest, but I didn't feel any excitement coming from her at all. I felt no excitement whatsoever, and by the time I was about to board my plane she seemed happy I was leaving.

In hindsight, I think Christmas was the first turning point for me. A day later, after work, I took out the ukelele to just strum something and it was the intro to this song. I felt it was too sad, while it pretty much summed up how I was feeling. I refused to do something with it because I'd probably write a song with lyrics I wasn't ready to face just yet. Now that I'd written the other stuff I kept feeling an additional song needed to be written to fill up the "gap" between the happy stuff and the sad stuff. I summarized my feelings and how I'd experienced everything, and created this song out of it, putting to words how I felt when she ignored me.

EXPLANATION

Several times during the relationship, I've tried typing out what I was feeling just so when I'd actually sit down to talk to her about it, I'd know what I'd want to say. By the time I'd come over plans would have changed yet again and we'd be going out, or a friend of hers had come over and would spend the entire evening hanging out. Normally, I wouldn't have such a problem with it, but if it's the only evening you're seeing your girlfriend you kind of want to spend it in private. Not her though, it almost felt as if she always, always made sure someone else was around when I was there, as if she was afraid to be alone with me.

After Christmas, I kind of started to feel sad for her. Her life was so full of everything. She had many friends, could rely on people, yet I felt she was compensating for something, maybe a possible empty feeling in her heart? I always felt she had a lot of things going for her, but made sure she put them away just so she'd be bland and no one would really notice her. There were many excuses for everything, and although at first I believed them, at a certain point I felt the excuses were made up, just so she could hide the real issue, whatever that real issue was though.

Many times she said she had no self esteem, and made sure that was the end of it. I tried asking why, but she refused to go there. I think that when you're in a relationship with someone, you need to open up, even when you don't like it or don't want to. She flat out refused to do so, and when I pushed her a little she'd get upset, because she had to talk about herself, hence me saying "You run into yourself", because everytime she seemed to do so, she'd put up a wall again.

Eventually, I just decided that she wasn't ready for a relationship. Just like me, she'd had a serious relationship that had stranded for really bad reasons. I did think some hurt of that time was still there, but in the meantime she treated me the same way my ex did the last few months I was with her, and when I then brought up my ex, she'd claim I wasn't quite over her. All this, while anytime her past would come up, she'd snap at me or talk over it. It all made me sad, because somewhere there was this great girl, who I could laugh with and talk to, but refused to open up and pretty much ruin what she clearly indicated she wanted to sign up for.

The one foot out the door line came up to me after we'd come back from Budapest. I could never really get in, and she always made sure I was at a safe distance from her. I always wanted to get in, but felt stranded one foot out the door. By the time I'd come up with that line, I'd decided I wanted out though. If you're always waiting one foot out the door, you might as well turn around and walk away. Hmmm, should have put that line in there somewhere...